How To Deal With Opposing Peoples' Views This Christmas

The season of joy is upon us and whilst we finish getting the final touches ready for the Christmas festivities, a little thought might be looming at the back of your mind. You know the thought, it usually involves one or two of the same culprits each year.

I’m talking about the people in your life that can’t let it go, who like confrontation and have polar opposite views to your own and love to tell you how wrong you are. And because you are working your tail end off this Christmas to make everything just so, I thought I would lend a helping hand with these quick tips for dealing with difficult people with opposing views to your own. 

Tip 1 - Would it help? 

When dealing with people with opposing views the first thing to ask yourself is, Would it help? 

Would it help to express your point of view? Would it be better to stay quiet and remove yourself from the situation? How helpful would it be to come back at them even stronger or with hard-hitting facts that can’t be denied, or the statistics to bolster your argument…would it help? Asking this question brings a rational and thinking process into a highly charged emotional experience. You are able to create space and think logical. The truth is, it might not help the situation to ‘fight back’. 

Tip 2 - Take some space.

When you are surrounded by extended family members who are winding you up the wrong way, the best thing you can do for your own mental health and well-being is to remove yourself from the situation. We have to come to the realisation that we have to change in order for the world to change and this means changing our environment too. I suggest going for a drive, putting music on and having a sing-song, going for a walk, having a dance to release pent up emotions, journaling, venting to another person.

Allow those stored frustrations and niggling bad emotions to be felt, dealt with and regulated so you don’t get triggered again or take it out on someone you love by mistake.  

Tip 3- Express yourself with kindness 

It is so easy to break down a poorly laid out argument and go to town on pointing out all the flaws. And whilst it’s your prerogative to do that, I would also caution that the need to be right will only win points with your ego. You have to play the long game here and if this person is someone who you care about and/or you see on a regular basis, you may just have to express yourself with a loving-kindness. So, that would be with the intention to educate, inform and enlighten but never belittle, manipulate or overpower the other. If you take the latter approach you won’t feel guilty afterwards and you may have learned something about yourself and the other person in the process.

Tip 4- You might be wrong 

No one likes to hear it but you might be wrong. We all have biases that skew our perception of the world and regardless of how much you want to be right, you have to make space for the assumption and curiosity factor that you might actually be wrong. And just as strongly as you feel that you are right that is the same intensity in which the other persons feels that they are right. You both can’t be right (well not all of the time) so you have to surmise that one of you is right (and that might not be you) or that you are both wrong.

Dealing with family, friends, colleagues and bosses with opposing views allows us to practice personal growth in a way that can’t be taught in a book. You are able to strengthen your ability to express yourself, your patience, gain wisdom in your experiences and find out more about the depth of someone's character by how they deal with the notion of them being wrong about something (that goes for you too). Being confrontational with someone you know/love is really hard however using your emotional intelligence and knowing when to fight and when to back away will stand you in good stead for years to come.

You may not always see the world the way someone else does and that is okay and vice versa. It really is the diversity and variety of views, thought, opinions and beliefs that make us remarkable human beings.

Comment below with how you are going to deal with your difficult people this Christmas. What tips do you have for others reading this too?

I wish you all the best this festive season navigating through the sea of opinions. You’ve got this more than you’ll ever know.

Michelle

What is Confidence?...And How Do You Get More Of It?

Today’s blog post has been inspired by my free “Your Unique Confidence Blueprint” Video Training Series which is available here. For those who like the written format, grab a paper and pen and lets get started….

What is Confidence?

So, in its basic form, the dictionary definition of confidence is “a feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something”. Confidence is a feeling or a belief. 🏅

So, you can have a belief that you are confidence (I believe I am a confident coach) or a feeling of confidence in something ( I feel like I could coach you successfully). 💃

How do you know you’ve got the confidence you need? 

Having confidence allows you to effortlessly move from one task to the another without being interruptions of procrastination, self-sabotage and an overwhelming feeling of failure and fear. So, how confident are you really?

Let’s do a Confidence Check-In

Your present level of confidence 👍🏻

How confident do you feel right now on a scale of one to ten? (1- not confident at all, don’t try out for things | 10 - super confidence, top of my game, loving life).

Write down your score.

Let’s go further… 🎯

Think of a time in your life when you were not confident at all or had something to do but you didn’t feel confident doing it?

Think of that moment right now. Put yourself in that moment of your life where you were lacking confidence and you weren’t at your best. 💁🏿‍♀️

• What was the situation and how did that make you feel?

• What was the situation asking from you that you were not prepared for and/or not able to provide (energy-wise/mindset wise etc).

• How did it feel to be lacking in confidence?

• What was your physiology like? Think body posture and bodily sensations here

• How did you use your voice? 

Now, give yourself a mark on the scale of confidence (just as above) between one and ten?

Shake that feeling off! Let’s not stay with that negativity. It’s time to ramp it up and think confidently 🌈

Confidence leaves clues ⭐️

Ok, let’s think of a time when you were so confident you knew exactly what you needed to do when you needed to do it and you effortlessly took steps forward, without any interruption negative thoughts or mindset blocks.

🔥 You took action.

I want you to think of that moment right now…

Maybe it was a time when you were parenting, making a career decision, in the middle of a hobby - rock climbing, horse-riding, golfing. You know, that feeling of effortless flow and ease to your life. You felt unstoppable and limitless.

What mark would you give yourself on the confidence scale now? 

🦁 The Wisdom Of Confidence

I want you right now to feel and experience how confidence feels in your body versus how lacking confidence feels in your body.

As you read this, physically change your posture from unconfident to confidence.

Speak out-loud the words: “I am confident’ in a confident voice versus an unconfident voice.

What did you notice?

• Do they feel polar opposites to you or are the energies of confidence and lacking confidence actually not too far apart?

• What is the difference for you?

• What is the difference in your personality in both situations?

• How are you talking differently?

• Making decisions differently?

• Holding your posture?

• Your eye contact?

• What are the differences in your action-taking?

• How are you feeling?

• What are you thinking about in each scenario? 

Compare your confidence scores

What was your confidence mark…

1) How confident you feel today?

2) How you felt in the past when you didn’t feel confident at all?

3. How you felt in the past when you felt unstoppable confidence?

🍦 GREAT NEWS:

With the knowledge you have now gained using your own experience, you have identified your very own unique ‘confidence blueprint’.

And that means you can start changing your confidence with this very blueprint RIGHT NOW.

What is your unique confidence blueprint?

A confidence blueprint is the map to how you specific show up when you are confident versus when you are lacking in confidence. Everyone feels and expresses confidence differently and this is your unique version of confidence.

You have just created a tangible confidence blueprint that shows you how you uniquely react (body language, eye contact, posture, language, certainty levels) when you are confident and when you are not so confident.

So, the best part is you can use this blueprint to create confidence in your life. And it’s as simple as copying your own confidence physiology!

🌼 It’s time to put it into practice.

Whenever you feel afraid to speak up, unsure about making a decision or taking a scary step forward you can refer to your findings.

Copy your confident body language example so you are able to switch on and be the very best version of yourself.

Stand or sit in the same way that connect to the feelings of confidence.

Use eye contact in the same way and effortlessly connect with others.

Speak in the same tone, intonation, pitch, volume as the confident version of you to speak up, be heard and have your viewpoint matter.

And naturally, your confident mindset will follow because you would have created the feelings, conditions and mannerisms of certainty that your brain cannot deny and will believe if continued.

🍿 Want to learn more about confidence?

Here are some resources that I’ve created for you to succeed, try out your new confidence lease of life - and if you’re ready - take your confidence to the next level:

One-to-one Confidence Coaching with me

The Magic Formula To Confidence Podcast Episode

Overcoming Your Fears

Lessons from Home Alone Character, Kevin McCallister

What were your confidence scores? Comment below..

Have a super confident day and thanks so much for being here,

Michelle

x

What Is BedTime Procrastination?

Have you heard of bedtime procrastination? 

It’s a psychological phenomenon in which people will stay up past a reasonable point of tiredness to scroll on their phones, watch YouTube or shop online (plus many other activities) because they perceive themselves (perhaps subconsciously) to lack influence over events during the day. It’s a perceived control over their bedtime hours…

But why and at what cost? 

Many experts say this is due to not having any time in the day for themselves and by staying up late - sacrificing time out of their sleep cycle - they feel a sense of self-autonomy from the daily tasks of every day life. 

I’m seeing this more and more with my clients too. One client - a busy mum of two with a part-time job - described her bedtime procrastination as the only time she gets to herself. It’s a safe space for her to watch what she wants and feel like an adult again. 

Needs - what do they have to do with bedtime procrastination? 

Knowing what you need, when you need it and how to get that need met is one of the fundamentals of a happy life. Needs aren’t wants or desires. They are absolute fundamentals to your survival and you will do anything to get what you need met - even a good nights sleep.

Whenever I hear procrastination, my coaching brain goes straight to needs. I ask myself the questions: Are you getting your needs met and what function does this procrastination serve in your life? Also, how can we get those needs met in other ways?

What need/s is bedtime procrastination meeting?

Bedtime procrastination can be seen to fulfil a lot more than scrolling on your phone until your eyes are sore.

We can break it down by human needs and then by moment-to-moment needs. (I will be going more in-depth about needs in next week’s blog so stay tuned for that.) It can be a way for you to:

• connect with your own internal world

• be seen/heard and valued

• gain safety and to experience that ‘off the clock’ feeling

• a different stimulation that you control rather than your environment dictating to you

• exploration into another part of personality/ interests and passions that is hidden in your day-to-day activities

• gain significance, love and connection and certainty

• help to give you space to make a decision that don’t have to rely on anyone else’s opinions or timeframe.

• choose to watch something without feeling guilt and/or shame that you should be doing something else or what someone want to watch is more important

How can I stop bedtime procrastination?

By discovering the need/s that you are fulfilling by bedtime procrastinating you can work to get that need met in your daytime hours.

Check in with how you are feeling, what you are thinking and how you are behaving. If something feels like a strong driver moving you in a certain direction (procrastination) it is very likely that your needs are not being met and you need to change or adjust your current activities to get those needs met first. The possibilities to meet your needs are endless.

Example 1
if you are meeting the need for connection by chatting to others online make time in your day to have a conversation with a friend, go for a coffee or joining a meetup group will help you get that need met instead.

Example 2
You are getting the need for safety and significance from your bedtime procrastination how about creating a routine and sticking to it throughout the day (safety), make three promises to yourself (safety) and keep them, have a haircut and colour your hair (significance), have an open and honest conversation with your partner that you need to feel more seen and heard ( significance).

My Thoughts on Bedtime Procrastination

Although the media coverage on this topic has been rather ‘fluffy’, bedtime procrastination can have serious affects on your life. From the obvious - lack of sleep and disruption to your natural circadian rhythm to the less obvious, such as resentment towards those you care about, being triggered more frequently and dis-regulated meal times.

From my coaching experience, living in a 24/7 world where you can have, be and do all the things, all of the time can be overwhelming and a drain on your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional resources. Reclaiming your time, even at the detriment of our own sleep health, maybe the only option to regain control again. It maybe the only chance you get to hear yourself think. 

If you would like coaching to identify your needs and/or would like to develop your self to become more than you ever thought possible, my coaching books are open now.

Thanks so much for being here,

Michelle

What Are Time Boundaries and How Can You Gain More Time In Your Day?

Here I am, up to my eyeballs with washing my suitcase full of holiday clothes - the downside to holidays for sure. I've been sailing around the British Isles on a cruise ship fit for a King and Queen. It's been absolutely wonderful.

And today, I get to share in the celebrations as my nephew turns 21 and a surprise party is on the card. I can't believe he's 21. Time has flown by.

And that brings me onto the top of today’s blog- time. I wonder?…

Do you use your time wisely?
Are you super duper on it when it comes to who you spend time with?
Are you lacks with the perimeters of your social time around others and wait for them to tell you when it's time to go home? (I'm guilty of this one!)

Well, let's dive into the number one reason you might be running out of time and what to do about it...

WHAT ARE TIME BOUNDARIES? 

The number one reason you are always running out of time is a lack of time boundaries. Time boundaries are perimeters, rules and standards that you set for yourself and others when it comes to your valuable seconds on this earth. Depending on how strict and/or lacks your boundaries are, you can run into challenges managing your time and how others treat us. 

Here are some examples of how time boundaries show up in our lives:

Example 1: 

Situation - You find that the same people are always running late (you know the repeat offenders) when meeting you this could be because you haven't set a time boundary with them and they feel able to enforce their own lax time boundaries with you. 

Result - Enforce the boundary by stating that it would be great for them to make an effort to be on time when they meet you as you have waited a while and plus the fun can start earlier too. 

Example 2: 

Situation- You are at work and you have a big project that has to be finished. You are waiting on a document to add to the project from a colleague. Your colleague knows the deadline but has put other non-important work ahead of the document retrieval. 

Result - Having a direct conversation with the colleague about the document and how time is a crucial factor in this and it should be prioritised is key here. 

Example 3:

Situation: You will miss the last tube and have to get the night bus if you're friends don't decide to leave now. You don't want to go home on your own but you also need to get have a good night's sleep before work tomorrow. 

Result: Speak up and make the first move to assert a time boundary on the night ending. If all goes to plan, you will be glad of the extra sleep, you can get the tube and you would have honoured your needs and time boundaries rather than going with the crowd. 

WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES OF TIME BOUNDARIES?

You are able to honour who you are, what you need, your values and priorities rather than be at the mercy of other peoples' boundaries. It's a way of keeping you safe and most importantly, sacredly guard the most precious resource on earth - your time. 

DO I HAVE UNHEALTHY TIME BOUNDARIES?

You will easily find out if you have unhealthy time boundaries because you will always be late, feel rushed in all aspects of your life and feel as though there are not enough minutes to do all that you need.* You could also potentially be adding people-pleasing and self-sabotaging with over-exerted expectations into unhealthy time boundaries too. As these usually go hand in hand. 

WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? 

Start asserting your time boundaries and be consistent so others know where you stand. It's the simplest answer but can be tricky to navigate at times. However, don't let that put you off. As you move through this weekend, ask yourself these questions:

Where are my unhealthy time boundaries showing up in my life? 
How can I speak up and set a boundary where there isn't one now? 
Can I be consistent with asserting my boundary?
If not, why? 

These questions will bring life-changing insights and if you choose to take action you will have more than enough time to live life on your terms.  

Have a wonderful week, 
Michelle 

* I am mindful that other peoples' needs may affect your ability to assert time boundaries. Especially with non-negotiable obligations such as children and caring for loved ones. Be aware of how you are showing up with your time boundaries and notice if you can make any small changes at all - if any. 

Should you write a script for your next presentation?

Let’s set the scene,..

You’ve got the biggest presentation of your career coming up and your nerves are palpable. And whilst you know you need to step up, be seen and establish yourself as the authority (thank you very much) all you can really think about are the specifics such as - What am I going to say? What will they think of me? What if I go wrong?

Then, in all your panic and fear, you make the biggest mistake you can ever make when preparing for your presentation…

YOU WRITE AN SCRIPT AND YOU LEARN IT OFF BY HEART!…NOOOOOOO!!!!!

I know why you think this seems like a good option - I mean why wouldn’t you want some certainty in a very uncertain situation? Especially when the fear is taking over and imposter syndrome is setting in (Who are you to be on stage telling people what to do?) and you start believing that you need a ‘safety net’ in case you mess up on the day.

I know! The panic is real. You start doubting your ability, your confidence and your skillset. Let’s break it down even further.

What is a scripted presentation?

A scripted presentation is when you have written a script to follow and remember from start to finish. Depending on the duration of your presentation, this script can be a few thousand words and resemble more of an essay. And, you are expecting yourself to remember all those words, points and even light-hearted quips during a time when you are feeling your heart beating out of your chest? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

so, Should you write a script for a presentation?

In my expert opinion - unless my client was a politician reading a manifesto or quoting an important passage from a book - I would 100% never advise my presentation clients to script their presentations. Each presentation is unique and challenging in its own right. Plus, there are better presentation tools and skills to master that will have a bigger impact overall than taking the time to memorise your script and reciting that back to your audience. You have to get out of fear mode - it will tell you that you have to have a script in order to give a good presentation - you don’t.

Is it bad to read off a script for a presentation?

Yes. Delivering a successful presentation is an art form with certain elements that once learnt can have a dramatic effect on the audience and strengthen the confidence of the presenter. It’s a skill just like anything else, It takes practise and the more presentations practise you have, the better you become at it.

Let’s break down the science of it first and then we will get to the art of presenting.

Why can’t you remember your script?

When you’re nervous and in a state of survival mode, your sympathetic nervous system is activated. This means that your rational mind - the part of the brain that you need to remember your script - is activated last due to your fear and panic taking precedence. Therefore, trying to remember a script is like standing still and reciting your seven times table whilst a metaphorical lion is running towards you.

You’re asking your body to do something that is completely unnatural in that situation. And, although learning a script helps you to feel comfortable in the preparation stages, the preparation becomes redundant when you are in a real-life situation.

Trying to remember a script is like standing still and reciting your seven times table whilst a metaphorical lion is running towards you.

What are the disadvantages of using a script to present?

Reciting Versus Presenting

The medium of reciting a script is very different from presenting and it’s best left to trained Shakespearean actors in my opinion. Choosing to recite your script rather than presenting a presentation will dramatically reduce your authentic dynamic on stage. How can you engage with your audience if you are trying to remember what section comes next?

Presentation Style

You have to think of presentations as a conversation between you and the audience- regardless of the size. It has to have a conversational flow for it to land. There is a stark difference between someone remember what to say during a presentation and someone presenting what they want to say at that moment in time.

And although you feel confident that you know every line off by heart, the audience will receive, react, and interact very differently with you depending on what style you choose.

Jokes Aren’t As Funny

A funny quip read rather than delivered may fall flat. Regardless of how funny it may be to you whilst you are practising. Authenticity matters when presenting and the energetic exchange between the presenter and the audience is the main ingredient to a successful presentation.

It Creates More Nerves, Panic and Fear

Let’s be honest, your brain will be keeping you safe from a ‘potential danger’ (that’s what fear is - an indicator to prepare for a future perceived danger to your safety and wellbeing) and remembering your script isn’t on the top of the list for your brain.

It will be the first thing that pops out of your head and in turn you have created even more nerves, panic and fear for yourself. Not only are you scared about hitting the podium, you now have created the very conditions that the script was supposed to save you from - forgetting your lines! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and there are better tools to utilise when preparing for your presentation.

What should I do instead of writing a script for my presentation?

My recommendation would be to create flashcards with three quick and simple prompts - no more than four words per prompt - to quickly get you back onto the main points of your presentation and to keep your focus.

Flashcards are brilliant to use (number them in order just in case you drop them on the floor in a panic) as each one acts as a direction post leading you to your next point and keeping the presentation on time and on point.

You can also use your slides as prompts alongside your flashcards. Although be wary of relying solely on technology as it can and sometimes plays up and therefore flashcards are king in all instances.

Not only are you scared about hitting the podium, you now have created the very conditions that the script was supposed to save you from - forgetting your lines! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and there are better tools to utilise when preparing for your presentation.

How do you learn the presentation skills that you need?

If you have a presentation coming up or would like to brush up on your presentation skills I can help. My presentation coaching is perfectly designed to help you feel confident and ready before hitting the podium.

I can help you plan and outline your presentation as well as give feedback on your slides and materials.

We will look at your delivery, your presentation style and also how you deal with nerves and fear on the day and strategies to combat those panic-inducing thoughts.

You don’t have to do this alone. If you are interested in working with me then learn more here. You won’t recognise your own confidence.

Shine your light bright,

Michelle

What Are Unhealthy Boundaries?

Today, we are going to delve into the world of unhealthy boundaries (also known as poor, bad or lacking / being boundaryless). Now, if you want to start with healthy boundaries then click here. If you’re ready for all things unhealthy boundaries, let’s get into it…

What are unhealthy boundaries and what do they look like?

Firstly, a boundary is personally set by you to keep you safe and to let others know how to act, speak and behaviour around you. Your boundaries will be based on your needs, values, belief system and your unique experience of the world. There are six boundary areas to look out for - physical, sexual, time, intellectual, emotional, and material.

An unhealthy boundary is when you disregard your own values, needs, wants and limits entirely and/or you disregard another persons’ values, needs, wants and limits.

Unhealthy boundary examples:

Always turning up late when meeting friends

Not asking for a push-back with your deadline at work

Not speaking up when someone invades your personal space

Not asking for your jacket back from a friend who borrowed it last month because you don’t want the aggro.

Talking intimately to an acquaintance you have just met

Why should I have boundaries?

When you are able to express your needs and boundaries effortlessly your life gets exponentially easier. You will have healthy relationships with those around you, you will be able to express your desires, wants and expectations with ease, and you can lead people without feeling like a tyrant.

There is also a real benefit for others to know where you draw the line so they know where it is and not to cross it. It’s kinder for them in the long wrong rather than guessing, getting it wrong and upsetting you. Healthy boundaries communicated well is good for all parties involved.

What are the consequences of unhealthy boundaries?

Being boundaryless around others can lead to them feeling confused about how to act around you or on the other end of the spectrum - treat you any way they see fit.

Remember when you dishonour your boundaries you are disrespecting yourself and lying to the people around you about the way things really are.

As harsh as that may seem if you are not able to express yourself clearly to those around you, it can affect your mental health and you will start to accumulate internal resentments towards people who are not privy to the truth that they have overstepped a boundary of yours.

Moreover, If you don't know your boundaries or have a lack of them, you can struggle to feel on top of things in your life. You will be late for events and stressed with deadlines, you will feel like you can’t relax because you have ‘so much to do’. And you may be taken advantage of by others because if you have no perimeters on how others should treat you then they won’t have any perimeters on how they show up for you too.

And, before you say - “I don’t have unhealthy boundaries”.

It’s really important to note that you can have excellent boundaries in some areas of your life, and absolutely none in other areas of your life.

For example:

You could have excellent time and intellectual boundaries at work - making sure you and your team leave on time and everyone has taken their annual leave. But lack consistent time and physical boundaries in your parenting - allowing your child to consistently stay up past their bedtime, and having to make three different types of dinner each night for your family.

Do I have unhealthy boundaries?

In order to understand whether you have unhealthy boundaries, you have to observe your life and be self-aware. Here is a quick reflection exercise to help you find out more about your boundaries:

⭐️Let’s use the last seven days to check in on your boundaries. Think about your time, your emotions, your physical space, your material possessions, your sexual experiences and your intellectual property.

⭐️Write a list of the times this week you have felt pressured, felt taken advantage of, said yes when you should have said no, said no when you should have said yes, felt guilty for not putting yourself first and/or prioritised someone’s needs above your own.

⭐️Now, from this list we can delve deeper into why you felt unable to set a boundary by answering the following questions:

• Why did you say yes/ no in those instances?

• Have you refused to enforce a boundary for an 'easy life'?

• Are these violations consistently happening in the same boundary area?

• How does this situation make you feel?

• What value/belief/need are you violating by not setting this boundary?

• What do you gain by not setting a boundary?

⭐️From the awareness you’ve gained from these questions, make a list of three boundaries you would like to consistently set for the next seven days - and more importantly - take action.

⭐️After those seven days, write about your findings. Did people treat you differently? Do you feel differently about yourself? Anything you would change for the next seven days?

Why do I find it hard to set boundaries?

There are many different reasons why it may be difficult for you to set a boundary. On the surface, it could be justified by saying things such as:

• I want to make someone happier

• It doesn’t really matter

• I don’t mind where we go - really!

• I am a nice person

• It doesn’t affect me so who cares?

• I let them do what they want

However, digging under the surface of those conscious justifications and rational thinking could be deeper reasonings for your difficulties to set boundaries.

These can include:

• Fear of abandonment

• Childhood attachment and trauma

• Intimacy issues

• People-pleasing tendencies

• Lack of emotional intelligence

• Fear of rejection and ridicule from others

• Shame and embarrassment of expressing yourself

• Lacking self-awareness of your needs and desires

• Poor decision-making abilities

How can I improve my boundaries?

You can improve your boundaries by:

• Having values-based life coaching (I offer this here)

• Journalling and self-reflection exercises

• Improving your emotional intelligence

• Having therapy

• Knowing your attachment style and working towards secure attachment

• Asking family and friends that you trust for feedback

Boundaries really are life-changing when you start implementing them. In learning to express yourself, your needs and your desires, you are showing up authentically and allowing others to accept your life on your terms. You will gain more trust, intimacy, love and connection with those around you and you will feel valued and heard too. Now, that sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

How do you feel about your healthy and/or unhealthy boundaries? And how are you with setting your own boundaries? Let me know in the comments below.

Michelle

5 Differences Between Coaching And Psychotherapy?

Coaching Versus Psychotherapy: The Ultimate Guide

It’s time. You need a change in your life. You no longer want to wake up in the morning and dread the day, week, month and/or year ahead of you. You would like to feel more confident in your decision-making and take action quickly and effectively instead of feeling frozen and stuck.

Today, we will look at what you should do next. Do you need to hire a coach or a therapist (or both)? I will break down some key differences between coaching and therapy to help you decide*. So, let’s get to it. 

“Do I need a coach or a therapist?”

It’s a great question because both are really great ways to move forward. Firstly, let’s define what each profession does** and how it can help you and then we can move onto the differences…

What is Therapy? 

The British Association For Counselling and Psychotherapy describes therapy as :

“… a safe and confidential space for you to talk to a trained professional about your issues and concerns. Your therapist will help you explore your thoughts, feelings and behaviours so you can develop a better understanding of yourself and of others.”

In my experience, I have found that therapy creates a space for my life experiences to be heard without judgement, opinion or retaliation. It’s a safe space to express who I am and explore all the versions of me that makeup who I am sitting in the chair having that conversation. 

What is Coaching? 

The Life Coach Directory describes coaching as:

“…a process where a coach supports a coachee to make a change, learn something new or achieve goals. This process happens through conversation and can take place face-to-face, over the phone, or online.  The ultimate aim is to help the coachee make progress in a certain area of their life, at work or to overcome a problem they’re struggling with. 

In my experience, I have found coaching to be the cheerleading, ass-kicking de-tangler of my life problems, fears and barriers holding me back. It gives me a framework of action so I know what I need to do and I’m never stuck wondering what step I should take next. It allows me to grow both personally and professionally. 

Coaching versus therapy - now we understand each profession let’s talk about what makes them different…

The Five Differences between coaching and therapy

Here are five of the main differences to help you make your choice:

1. Taking aCtion Versus reflection

• Coaching works with your life and business struggles first hand by breaking down the challenge you are facing into manageable tangible step-by-step actions that will set you up for success. It’s a collaborative process with the coach asking meaningful and curious questions to uncover what is behind the origins of your problems whilst supporting you through the changes you need to make to achieve your goals and objectives. 

• Therapy is a beautiful and sacred space to reflect on your life and what is troubling you. It’s a time for reflection and insight rather than a plan of action. It allows you time to ponder, share and question your lived experience in the present. There is no emphasis on becoming a better version of yourself (although that can/does happen over time) rather an acceptance for who you are now and what you bring to the table.

2. future driven versus past focussed

• Coaching is focused on equipping you with the personal and professional development tools you need to take action in the present moment to enhance and bring future success. It is future-driven and heavily geared towards action-taking, breaking down fear barriers and unlocking your full potential.

• Therapy looks to your past for signposts to uncover the root causes of what is holding you back today. It’s past-focussed with an exploration of your internal world to join the dots and understand more about who you are, and why you behave the way you do.
  

3. Coaching isn’t for everyone

• Coaching takes a lot of willpower, tenacity and dedication to move through your fear barriers, take forward steps and allow greatness/results into your life. It takes a lot of ownership and responsibility on your part to thrive and to make the necessary changes. Some people are not ready for that and/or are not mentally stable to cope with the results and/or the quick changes that come with coaching.

• Therapy is applicable to everyone regardless of what stage you are at in your life because it explores your internal world, so you can access this at any point. Plus, a therapist is able to help with issues such as trauma, anxiety and depression (a coach cannot) which can possibly be exacerbated by coaching if you are not ready.

*** You can choose to have coaching and therapy at the same time and they do work really well together. However, it is important to note that your results can be a lot slower as you navigate any issues being raised within your therapy. It can have a ‘two steps forward, five steps back’ feeling. Although, as long as you are mindful of this and willing to go to both sessions regularly you should start picking up momentum sooner or later. Others may find starting therapy first and then coaching second, a more rewarding experience.

4. Coaching results can be instant

• My Coaching clients can expect results from the very first session and with continued action, support and inspiration they can make massive changes within the first three months, and life-changing decisions thereafter.

• Therapy takes time to dig deep into your internal world and share your experiences with your therapist. Although even just sharing your problems can be a relief the real change can take a lot longer to experience.

5. The feel-good factor

• Coaching is inspirational, motivating and invigorating to the client. You will leave feeling good about yourself, able to tackle your next growth points and feel supported by your coach to achieve your goals

• Therapy can leave you feeling good, bad or indifferent. You have a session that makes you feel heard, validated and proud of yourself and another that leaves you feeling distressed and vulnerable - and all the different feelings in-between. There is no right or wrong way to feel during therapy. And every session is different.

So, should I hire a coach or a therapist?

In my opinion, everyone would benefit from the right kind of therapy with the right therapist at any time of their lives. It’s best to start out with a number of consultations with prospective therapists/counsellors to find a professional that you feel comfortable opening up to.

Coaching is a brilliant avenue when you are ready to step forward and take ownership of your life and unfortunately some people may have issues that would be better suited to therapy and cannot be coached.

I would highly suggest having an introductory session with your prospective coach as they will be able to assess whether you are viable for coaching and/or would be best suited to therapy.

A very quick gauge and reduced way of knowing is to ask yourself,

“On a scale of 1 - 10 (1- not happy at all, 5 - ok, 10 - super happy) how happy am I right now?”

Answer truthfully….how happy are you in your life right now?

If you score between 1-4 you would benefit the most from a therapist, 4-6 you could benefit from both, 7 and above you would be ideal for coaching.

If you have decided to look for a coach, feel free to have a look at my life coaching services and book yourself a discovery call today.

If you liked this article how about finding out more about life coaching with my blog post on the dos and don’ts of life coaching?

Thanks so much for being here,

Michelle

DISCLAIMER

*Please note that I am an internationally accredited life coach and not a qualified therapist or counsellor. Therefore any information above is formed from my own experience of psychotherapy rather than from a professional standpoint. 

**Also, I use mainstream versions of both coaching and psychotherapy within this blog post. Other modalities of each profession are available that may conflict with this information.

What is Life Coaching? The Do's and Don'ts and what to expect from your coach

What is Life Coaching?

Life coaching is a rewarding and life-changing process that will enhance, inspire and motivate you to take your life to the next level.

In its simplest form, a life coach is trained to ask you the right questions at the right time to unlock your full potential and gain clarity, focus and motivation to achieve your desired outcome, personal goals and/or life transitions successfully and quickly.

Your coach will provide support and accountability throughout your coaching to aid your development and provide you with the tools and motivation you need to get your goals actualised.

Your coach doesn’t need to be an ‘expert’ in what you do, who you are or where you want to go because coaching is a tool to bring the expert out in you.

So, What Does A Life Coach Do?

A life coach will:

• Ask deep insightful questions that will challenge and uncover your beliefs, thoughts and feelings enabling you to gain clarity with your decision-making, life direction.

• Support you in creating tangible and achievable steps to achieve your goals.

• Explore your needs, values, motivations, skills, personality and thought processes to help facilitate lasting change.

• Help to break down fear barriers and boundaries that have kept you stuck by exploring your beliefs, triggers and behaviour.

• Have an observational awareness of your body language, vocal intonation and behaviour that will aid your growth and learning.

• Have excellent listening skills to understand what it is like to be you - without judgement.

• Have an exemplary level of emotional intelligence to pick up subtle cues and nuisances, and relay those back to you.

• Encourage a deeper understanding of who you are, what you feel, and why you think the way you do.

• Unearth habits and traits that will elevate and/or hinder your success.

• Hold you in the highest regard and positively want you to succeed.

• Create a framework of support that you can rely on and also grow from without unhealthy dependencies forming.

• Refer you to a suitable professional if you are more suited to another service such as mentoring, therapy and/or counselling.

• Create a safe and confidential space for you to express yourself authentically to aid your personal growth and success.

• Have sufficient training and adhere to a code of ethics and standards with a reputable accreditation body. For instance, I am registered with the International Authority For Professional Coaching and Mentoring.

What A life coach doesn’t cover?

A life coach doesn’t:

• Tell you what to do, give you unsolicited advice and/or favour an approach that doesn’t meet your needs.

• Give mental health advice or diagnose and/or label you as having a mental illness, disorder or issue.

• Speak about your session with anyone (unless supervised and/or need to ask for supervision regarding your session. In these cases, your anonymity is kept).

• Take over the session with their own ‘personal opinion or life experience’.

• Have an agenda for the session - allowing what you want to work on to be the primary goal.

• Teach you a syllabus of learning and/or structure your session with their own learning objectives.

How do I find a life coach?

There are many ways you can find a life coach.

You can:

• search google for life coaches in your local area

• ask for recommendations from friends and family who have used a life coach before

• using an online directory such as The Life Coach Directory

• search a coaching accreditation database for suitable coaches.

Whichever route you choose make sure that your coach has had training with an accredited coaching body.

You see, life coaching as a profession isn’t regulated by a government body therefore anyone can call themselves a coach without any training or experience within the coaching field.

Annoying I know and I really wish it was different. but, don’t lose hope! There are professional bodies and accreditations to look out for when choosing your coach that offer brilliant training programs and accreditations as well as ethics codes and standards to adhere to.

These include:

• International Authority of Professional Coaching and Mentoring

• International Coaching Authority

• European Mentoring and Coaching Council

Therefore, always check with your coach that they have the up-to-date accreditations, qualifications and insurances to coach you.

How to know if a life coach is the right fit for me?

Coaching is a very experiential process and it is advised to have an introductory session with your coach (or a few coaches) before proceeding to buy any further coaching packages.

This introductory session will ensure that you:

• feel comfortable talking to your coach,

• can ask any questions about coaching, accreditation/qualifications

• can explore how you will both work together on your life goals and how you can move forward.

• ask about pricing structures that suit you

• ask about other clients they have worked with and the transformation they have achieved with them

I will be adding to this series in the weeks to come so stay tuned,

Michelle

Do you want to work with me?

My coaching books are open for new clients right now. I am an accredited coach with over 300 hours of coaching experience under my belt. My prices start at £1,595.

If you would like a no-obligation free introductory session with me click the link below and let’s get going…

5 Zoom Tips For Workshops and Presentations

After the Cat Lawyer zoom filter fiasco of this week (I’ve laughed so hard), I thought I would make a video that would safeguard the very thing happening to you. And, so I present my five zoom tips and features that will make a big difference in how you look and conduct zoom calls.

View fullsize

The 5 Zoom Tips and features include:

1. How to use AND REMOVE filters on zoom ( I am not a cat!)

2. How to use the ‘mirror my video’ zoom feature to enhance your meetings, presentations and meetings

3. How to touch up your appearance so you can join your zoom meetings with confidence sporting a look airbrushed to perfection or have a natural ‘healthy glow ‘about you.

4. I show you how to get professional lighting with the click of a button by using the ‘Adjust the low light’ zoom feature

5. (My Favourite one) I will show you how to use the ‘hide non-video participants’ zoom feature to enhance the engagement, teamwork and flow of your team during your meeting, presentation or workshop.

Yes, all these tips will help you to put your best foot forward when leading a team meeting, presentation or workshop via zoom. Let me know in the comments below if you have any zoom tips and features that you use and love.

Shine your light bright,

Michelle

5 ZOOM TIPS FOR WORKSHOPS AND PRESENTATIONSAfter the Cat Lawyer zoom filter fiasco of this week (I've laughed so hard), I thought I would make a video that w...

The Magic Formula To Confidence

I was fortunate to be featured as a guest host on the wonderful Prosperity Kitchen Podcast (link below) to talk all things confidence. I chose to talk about confidence because having more of it can positively impact your life, help you to make better life decisions and take more opportunities that you would not have necessarily thought about as a viable option for you.

So, what is confidence?

How do we get more confident?

How can we know the difference between true confidence and false confidence?

Press play and learn all you need to know about confidence

Michelle

Is 'Blue Monday' Fake?

Welcome to Blue Monday or the artist formerly known as the third Monday in January. Blue Monday is apparently the most depressing day of the year - great 🙃 

A university professor created a formula using factors such as post-Christmas blues, cold dark nights, unpaid credit card bill arrivals, low motivation levels and the waning of New Years resolutions to coin this term. 

It kinda makes sense…. until you find out it isn’t true. 😱 The real story? It was a press release from the travel company, Sky Travel and has somehow found its legs in the realm of fake news and pseudoscience. 

So, take a deep breath and let it sink, Blue Monday is NOT a thing…this Monday is just like every other Monday - a brand new week and a fresh start.🍃 You are always one decision away from the most successful, meaningful and fulfilling day/month/year of your life - yes, even during the pandemic. 

So, in fine form, I have created a mini coaching package for you to get off the starting blocks with a plan of action, a vision for the year ahead and the fearlessness to make it happen. 

Kick-Starter Strategy Sessions 

Includes: 

🚀 1 x Goal-Setting Strategy Coaching Session 

🦁 1 x Massive Action and Fearless Coaching Session

📧 Email access directly with me throughout January for ongoing support and guidance 
 

And, it’s only £179!

Saving £275 on the regular price of two life coaching sessions 

What will be included?

 

1) We will start with a 60-minute laser-focused goal-setting strategy session via zoom or telephone. We will take a deep dive into your specific goals, dreams and ambitions for a super successful 2021.

2) Followed up with a 60-minute session about a week later to create a detailed plan for you to take massive action in the direction of your goals with a renewed motivation and confidence moving forward. 

3) I will keep you accountable throughout with emails and homework. Whilst you will have personal email access to me anytime you need a motivational top-up.

***This offer is available until 31st January 2021 so grab your preferred time slots now. Reply to this email to directly book with me or click here . Now, it’s your turn to make 2021 the best year ever....

Oh, and happy Monday, 

Michelle